Good Evening, everyone. It means so much to be here tonight to celebrate the wedding of Jarka to my very close friend Thomas.

After so many weeks of sorting through place cards and arguing over seating arrangements, it's hard to believe that the big day has finally arrived. Looking around the room tonight, I can't help but feel:

( ) the love emanating from every corner of the room.
( ) slightly nauseous.
( ) vastly superior.

As best man, I've had the personal pleasure of meeting many of you for the first time this week. Seeing so many friends and family members here to join in this celebration, I've realized:

( ) one life touches so many others.
( ) people will do just about anything for a free meal and an open bar.
( ) I'm not getting paid for this.
( ) I need a better agent.

For starters, on behalf of the bridal party, I'd like to express my deepest gratitude and warmest wishes to Jarka's mother :
I know this has been a very emotional afternoon for you. But remember that you're not losing a daughter, you're:

( ) gaining a lifetime of joy and happiness.
( ) simply losing the chance she'll marry into money.
( ) gaining another dependent.

I know it sounds cliche, but I can honestly say she's one of the most beautiful brides I've seen.

( ) The dress is surpassed only by her angelic glow.
( ) The veil is definitely a keeper.
( ) I want the same bride as this one...
( ) ...or this one

For those of you who don't know, I've been friends with the groom since:

( ) this orgy in a Paris bar in 1984 (actually, was it with him ??).
( ) way before he went hetero.
( ) ...what was his name again?

We've shared some amazing life experiences together, but I'll never forget the time:

( ) he told me he was going to propose.
( ) he threw up on the strip-girl at his bachelor party.
( ) he got busted for indecent exposure in Prague's Discotheque.

I suppose it's my responsibility to ride the groom about some of his ex-girlfriends. Well, I've known most of them, and I can personally say:

( ) that in your heart, you know when the right person comes along.
( ) that seventy-two is definitely a lucky number.
( ) take it from me, the bride's better in the sack than any of them.
( ) now she can stay in the country legally.

From the very first time that I met the bride, I :

( ) knew they were perfect for each other.
( ) gained a new respect for the elasticity of Bras.
( ) was struck by her grace, charm, and reasonable hourly rates.

Now there's been a lot of talk going around tonight about when the happy couple is going to have a baby. I don't think it's out of line for me to say that:

( ) we will all cherish that blessed event.
( ) four months from now may be a tad early, but what can you do?
( ) how can she be sure it's really hers?

Of course, it's my duty to point out that from this day on, buddy, your sex life will never be the same. That's because:

( ) love and commitment bring a new meaning to all things.
( ) it'll be limited to major holidays and birthdays.
( ) now, at least, you'll finally have a human partner.
( ) it will be available at your local video store.

But before things get too weepy, I just want to thank the bride and groom for allowing me the pleasure of being your best man, your confidant, and your friend. It's been a real honor:

( ) watching your love and devotion grow with each passing day.
( ) dancing the Macarena with your three-hundred-pound cousin.
( ) forking over a hundred bucks so you can have a home pasta machine.
( ) having first crack at her.

If I can pass on any advice, it's simply to:

( ) try to never to go to bed angry.
( ) remember that divorce is sometimes the best solution for everyone.
( ) marrying a virgin isn't the most important thing.

On behalf of all your friends and loved ones here tonight, let me be the first to say:

( ) Here's to many happy and healthy years together.
( ) Will the owner of the white minivan please move it; you're blocking the parking entrance.
( ) The odds are 6:1 on 6 months. Place your bets.

And as you leave here tonight and begin your journey together in life, I have just three final words for you:

( ) We love you.
( ) Separate bank accounts.
( ) Nice knowing you.
( ) Everyone makes mistakes.

That's it !

*The "Best" Man*, aka Patrick